This picture was taken four and a half years ago, a week after we signed the first sheet of paperwork to begin our adoption journey. We thought we knew what we were signing up for: about a two years wait (oh, the agony of two years! I remember thinking) and a lot of money we didn't have.
We had no clue.
The time has more than doubled and the money, well, lets just say it's been a lot more than what we were already lacking.
Until recently, I've handled the situation with a positive perspective and in view of God's perfect timing and sovereignty. For although we didn't foresee the drastic time period of waiting for our child, we also didn't foresee the amazing gifts the Lord had in store for us during that wait: our son, Abraham, a move back to family, jobs that we love, a community that cares for us, the ability to have our own coffee bar and business, and a homestead teeming with friendly creatures. God is a good Father and gives his children good gifts in his perfect time. This I know.
Last August we were sent a picture of a 7 month old healthy boy by our agency to see if we would accept his profile to move forward with adoption. We didn't have to see his picture to know he was ours...but we haven't stopped thinking of his little face since that day. We were thrilled and began counting down the weeks until we could have him in our arms.
The month that we expected to travel and meet him has come and gone. We continue to get pictures of him periodically, each one treasured and fawned over and in each one we see how he has changed and grown. Changes that I don't get to witness and growths that I don't get to be a part of.
And we are to expect even more delays.
When we received our referral, I compared the time to a pregnancy. Now we have reached nearly nine months gestation and it is nothing like being pregnant. I have never met him. He is not warm and cozy inside of me...he is 8,000 miles away in a place I don't know. I can't control his environment by nutritional eating and prenatal yoga; I have no control at all.
It is the strangest thing: to love someone you've never met. To have a child that is yours but that is not yours yet.
There is a peculiar tension here that I must attempt to explain. I am not unhappy or discontented...quite the opposite. I feel more gratitude than I could ever contain for my husband and our sons and our life here. But there is at the same time a great sadness that is always present with me. Through the window I see Kellen and Abe chasing the chickens in the back yard as I chop vegetables and tears brim, one, because I am so thankful, but, two, because he is not with us. Our son is missing these moments, these laughs, and these joys.
This wait is very weighty and I can't not feel the burden. The sorrow of his absence and the agony of hope's deferral is very real and I want to be honest about it. If anything, for other mom's that are waiting to know they are not crazy and also maybe as justification for myself for feeling a little crazy.
So, to summarize, we have no idea when we will get to go to Africa to meet our boy. We have even less of an idea when we get to bring him home. It is a very difficult reality, one that I struggle with daily, and kind of awkward to tell people. I know God is good...I know he loves our babe even more than we do...and I know his timing is perfect. But I also know that he wants us to ask for the door to be open. Please pray. Pray for our son, for Abraham's brother, and for his emotional and physical well-being. Pray for a court date...for a unexpectedly SOON court date. Pray for a miracle.
I ask you to please join me in this tension of longing for our son, recognizing his absence to the point of pleading with our Father for drastic change, while at the same time waiting in confident trust that He knows what he is doing.
**I hope my honesty has not discouraged anyone in the adoption process. Adoption is needed and we are commanded by Jesus to care for the orphan. I hope, instead, my words help adoptive families to step into the process soberly, recognizing how much we need God every step of the way.
***Our agency has always been very good at doing the best they can to not promise a waiting time period. They have given us time frames based on previous adoptions, but I don't in any way blame them for any of our discouragement! They have been wonderful and we could not be more grateful for our relationship with them.
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